Monday, March 3, 2008

Child of Rage


Do you remember that movie? It was made about Nancy Thomas' daughter who suffered with RAD. Child of Rage is a good description of a child with RAD. The rage covers up so much sadness. Sadness about feeling rejected by their birth mom. Maybe abused in some way. Neglected. All such ugly unimaginable words and yet it is so very real to these little people. They have sadness about each foster home they left even if they were bad. In their eyes it is yet again rejection by another mother. There are no baby pictures of my boys. No shared family stories that include their early years. Even after being in our home for a few months one of my sons shared "We're foster boys." I made sure he knew "Not anymore." The rage also covers up fear. Fear that this mom is going to send me away too. Each time I leave one of them is angry when I get back. For years I'd run to the store and when I pulled in the drive the curtain would move because one was standing there waiting for me to return. Fear that they are different then everyone else. All teens have this to some extent. Teens with RAD have it in an amplified version. People know I used to be a "foster boy". Do people know all those mothers left me? I must be bad. I must be worthless. All of this contributes to the rage. Why rage? Because rage is empowering to them. Fear and sadness makes them feel weak and vulnerable. Rage makes them feel in control and strong.
So what does a mom do? Attachment therapy, EMDR therapy, read books on Attachment. Find friends in real life or on line that have lived your life. And then practice the things you learn. Relearn you parenting style for this child. You must do it differently if he is to succeed. And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Go play. Spend some time each day relaxing. Read books, go for walks, have coffee with a friend, exercise, get a manicure. Do something that involves thinking about yourself. Don't lose yourself in the RAD. I did for awhile. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow. Oh I should tell you that Nancy Thomas' daughter, Beth, is now a neonatal nurse, author and public speaker. There is hope.

9 comments:

Renee said...

Such excellent points. It all makes sense when it is layed out like that. I wish it were easier to remember when I am the recipient of the rage.

Brenda said...

It is hard when our feelings get in the way and we take it personally. It happens to all of us. We are human.

Lisa said...

You say it so well. Thanks again Brenda. Have you seen More Than a Thread of Hope yet?
L

Anonymous said...

Hi. I need some words of advice. I have had my feelings hurt and I am trying to be mature about the situation. Our 19 year old daughter (adopted at 11 and has moderate RAD) has already bought her plane ticket and plans to spend Christmas and New Year's in FLorida with friends. She forgot about us and we haven't seen her since August. Yes, I know this is impulsive on her part and she really did not think it through 'what about mom and dad- I could go to Florida on the 26th".

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Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. I've just received custody of my niece who has RAD from a lifetime of neglect. Only 16 weeks into this and I'm going out of my mind. I think I'll hit the pool and start swimming!!!

Anonymous said...

I am thinking about quitting my job. Any thoughts. I am not sure I can work full time, care for 2 teens and a RAD child (age 12). My husband is a big help but I am beginning to think I need to be hoome to focus on being a fulltime mom in order to survive this

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your post. My kiddos (7 and 5) both have RAD, and...what an adventure! I love them both so much, and they are SLOWLY learning to accept our love. God can work miracles!

Tashauna said...

I am 21 and I was diagnosed with RAD at 11. I can now make healthy attachments rather easily and am no longer angry. I attribute this to a loving Father and Guide, Jesus Christ. I want to say that there IS hope!